The Story So Far [ARCHIVED]


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Here's where we chronicle the various exploits of our puckish rogues in an easy to digest format, while also providing you with links to the various chat logs or forum posts where these shenanigans occur. This represents what we consider official "canon" within the RPverse, so unfortunately, no joke runs will be posted here as finished "canon".

Chapter 0: Alpha Testing

The First Run

During the events of the first run, we get to see Dr. Alanna Ellis and Dr. Hershel Thorne going about their business at Site-43 during the malfunction of Alanna's security system. Thorne has been transferred to Site-43, most likely due to stress reasons, while Alanna lives on-site.

Alanna and Hershel discuss the possible causes of the problem and Thorne decides to go to work. Following some shenanigans involving memery, Shiosai Ike turns up, his mysterious appearance setting them both off and causing some understandable tension.

After a bunch of witty quips exchanged between both sides, Alanna calls security on Shiosai, allowing Thorne to kill the machine with some handy-dandy codes built into the system. The security system is disabled for long enough to allow Alanna to un-screw up the mainframe and stop the security system spraying memes everywhere like a conceptual toddler. Shiosai is dragged off, but not for long…

The Giant Robot Attack

Alanna invites Thorne to the cafeteria for some coffee and gas-inducing lasagne. During lunch, they run into the new blood of the site – being Dr. Andy Macquire and Vitaly Artyukhov – as well as Shiosai, recently freed from his incarceration by Site Security.

Shiosai plonks his time-travelling rear end down at Alanna and Thorne's table, and nearly starts another argument before the breach siren goes off. Alanna realises that this particular klaxon is for the breach of Storage Sector 9, a Prometheus hidey-hole located at the bottom of the Site. This realisation is followed by explosions.

During the standard "run away" part of the process, Shiosai makes a passing comment about how this wasn't how it was supposed to go. His objections are cut off by more explosions – the source of which is revealed to be a laser-toting robot. Cue the dramatic sound effects and more running.

Robot sex jokes occur. Alanna is blinded and trips over, while Vitaly is wounded by some shrapnel. Thorne then manages them to barricade them in an armoury, after approximately ten more robo-sex jokes. While they're stuck in the armoury, Thorne then dispatches some drones to take out the laserbot.

The steel door is melted down and Shiosai and Andy dakka the crap out of the robot with some handy shotguns. Shiosai then gets out of the armoury and blasts it with the shotgun before getting launched out of sight by its self-destruction…

…only for him to retcon everything away with his time travel abilities.

Cut Copy

In other news, Shiosai pays a visit to the 3D (Printer) Man himself, Chief Dakzimier. Dakzimier and Shiosai have a confrontation over the locations of certain individuals, with Dakzimier having to find their locations through the Maxwellist net.

Dakzimier reminds Shiosai that he maintains diplomatic relations between the Foundation and the Maxwellists. Shiosai clearly doesn't care and he leaves Dakzimier in the room, cold and alone and out of cyan ink.


Following the retcon, Alanna wakes up with the memories of the escapade still intact, and after leading Vitaly to his temporary accomodations, she bumps into Shiosai. After some extratemporal discussion, Alanna lets slip that she knows about the retcon and what happened. Shiosai is not very happy.

After some awkward flirting/confrontation with Thorne and general weirdness, Alanna and Shiosai manage to hash out that SCP-868 is responsible for her memory being improved, improved so much that she's able to remember the events that just only got recently retconned.

A new arrival to the site, Aaron Burke cuts in and states that he, too, remembers vague hints of the robot attack and discusses the memories with Shiosai. He finally tells everyone his name, and informs Alanna about the Extra-Temporal Department.

The impromptu briefing takes place as Shiosai tells them all about his job and forbids Alanna to deal with 868 – as the head of the department responsible, Alanna tells him to blow it up his arse, but decides to take some leave off to rest her head. Vitaly and Aaron meet up and exchange coffee, while Alanna chases after Thorne.

In a misguided attempt at apology, she fumbles with her English and tries to apologise to Thorne for sounding like a dumbass and/or an insane person. Thorne coldly blows her off and she leaves a little disappointed. Vit and Aaron exchange home stories and generally introduce each other.

All's Fair

Alanna and Thorne meet once again in the cafeteria, this time on much shakier grounds. Thorne is a grumpy ass and doesn't respond well to Alanna's asking about his well-being: in turn, Alanna reacts even worse and things continue to escalate.

The cafeteria staff quickly bolt for the doors befor they become collateral smears on the walls and the situation just keeps on escalating. Eventually, Alanna just gives in and storms off, while Thorne does the same, luckily for the one guy who was serving the French Toast.

Cut to Alanna trying to skip stones on the shores of the Allune Lake, throwing rocks and generally doing bupkis on the beach, as people on break tend to do. Thorne is walking near her location when he cops a splash of water and a rock to the face courtesy of Alanna.

Alanna and Thorne have some more cutesy banter (read: a middle finger and several insults exchanged) before they are unfortunately forced to be near each other. The two sort of bond over IT horror stories and Alanna tries getting affectionate with Thorne. Things get awkward and the topic is soon changed.

Hindsight Is

Another scene change, this time one of time as well as place. Prior to his transfer to Site-43, Burke met Mahmoud Alinejad, a retired Foundation veteran, in a London coffee shop. Burke and Mahmoud shared some eyesight banter before turning their focus to Burke's employment status.

Burke confessed to Mahmoud that he'd been looking to get out of the UIU rat race, and Mahmoud ambiguously semi-offered Burke a job at the Foundation. Burke accepted the offer and handed Mahmoud some UIU info in exchange for employment, before the police descended on him.

Magical Conch Shell

Ten years prior to the events of the RP, an Are We Cool Yet? gathering in a university basement results in the teleportation of the basement and the people within it to an area in Brazil, coincidentally right over Chief Dakzimier's house. He is not very pleased.

Neither are the rest of the cool kids when a certain artist's box pops open to reveal a fashion demon that attacks them and starts devouring the poor art students. Dakzimier and a surviving member of the collective – namely, Darcie Heathfield.

Darcie and Dakzimier collaborate to take down the Fashion Demon by first knifing it and then shooting it from point-blank, as you do. Their tag-teamery is interrupted by the arrival of MTF Upsilon-3 and Mahmoud Alinejad, who amnesticises several of their ranks but leaves Darcie to remember.


Chapter 1-A: Time For You and Time For Me

Time to Murder And Create (pt. 1)

Back to Site-43. Both Alanna and Thorne are assigned to the Allune Lakeside in the hopes of finding "memetic squid", and after some friendly debate with Thorne as to the usefulness of his presence, Alanna gets affectionate with Thorne again.

And that's when Thorne pulls a gun on her. There's an awkward moment where Alanna and Thorne debate whether or not Thorne should be an ass, and Alanna surrenders, mainly due to the fact that she has no feasible means of not gettting murdered.

Thorne hesitates and Shiosai appears from the Allune Lake, before tackling Thorne to the ground and shooting him. He then proceeds to wail on Thorne and Alanna rightly asks what the hell is going on. Shiosai merely responds that Thorne is messing up his plans.

Alanna's shoulder is grazed by the bullet and she passes out from shock, and Bastian McCallister is dispatched to take Shiosai into containment. When Shiosai complains that he has clearance to do this, a suited man responds that he would know if Shio's got permission, as he's an Overseer.

Cut to the medical bay. Alanna and Thorne are stoned out of their minds on various painkillers, and Alexander Wang, Alanna's assistant, is keeping vigil over Alanna and generally dicking with Thorne. Bastian is also keeping watch over Thorne due to his propensity to murder people.

Both characters wake up next to each other (who would've guessed) and the two trade banter mainly focussing around Thorne's leg, with Bastian occasionally tossing in a quip for good measure. Zander brings back food for Alanna and slop for Thorne before Bastian leaves.

Alanna keeps prodding Thorne and having banter with him, before Zander finally snaps and duct-tapes his mouth. After Alanna gets a Stanley Xacto knife and cuts it apart, Thorne makes a mis-timed flirt(?) and Alanna gets all huffy. Several varieties of tension ensue.

Finally, Alanna manages to dig up the fact that Thorne was, in fact, assigned to murder Alanna by a mysterious high-ranking figure of the Foundation. Alanna throws a stupid guess around because why the fuck not and manages to get that it was an Overseer, although nothing else.

Bittersweet Reconciliation

Thorne is up and about (though on crutches) while Bastian acts as his security guard, making sure he doesn't get up to anything suspicious. He escorts Thorne to the "printer room", where he's meant to get some insight into the nature of Super-Printer.

Dakzimier prints out some stress pills to calm his farm and Thorne takes this as a personal insult. Bastian makes a cheeky joke about Alanna shoving things up his arse, as is compulsory at this point in time, and Thorne gets either offended or turned on again.

The printer goes on about pancakes and some other rather unrelated stuff about cooking, while Thorne slowly slips into insanity and continues to insult Dakzimier's coding skills. Dakzimier implies that he's a human brain scanned into a digital AI and Bastian is left hanging by Thorne.

Thorne gets peeved at Bastian after he makes a joke about becoming a computer, and Dakzimier momentarily becomes a koan generator, before becoming a Drexler assembler and just printing off random fruits like a slot machine.

The two of them have some philosophical banter about his existence within the printer and Thorne reveals he does not like fruit, which is something his non-present mother should've taught him. Bastian is typically non-plussed but appreciates the cherries, anyway.

Dakzimier has some sympathising with Thorne and he almost feels emotions, which is already verging on impossible. After the two of them leave the room, Bastian asks Thorne if he'd like some lunch. Thorne answers "maybe" and starts off yet another inevitable ship.

Out with the Pitchers

The higher-ups issue a command about the Foundation's workers actually getting some time to bond together over drinks and friendship, so while the rest of the Site gets to slog away at their jobs to contain and protect humanity from the worst of the world, Alanna and co. go out for beers.

After some more scintillating banter with Alanna, Thorne and Bastian, Sarah Caulson the Character-Sheetless1 joins the party with her plus-one and assistant, Cassie Richards. Cassie's apparently been dragged along to be introduced to the folks.

In the meantime, Bastian has started a drinking contest with Thorne. Bastian calls Thorne's bluff and threatens him with the bane of his humanity, namely, bad pub songs. After meeting Alanna, Cassie reveals that she's the gal whose finger was bitten off by the Sarkic fax machine.

Alanna offers to buy her a drink and introduces her to the crew. Aaron Burke suddenly realises that Bastian just started a drinking contest and anxiously awaits the end of humanity as they know it. Darcie asks them to sing "that one song" and Alanna offers to join in with Burke.

Thorne and Bastian have some more banter, before Alanna and Bastian finally decide that it's time to sing. The two of them belt out a SCPea shanty and Bastian takes Alanna dancing, before Thorne finally gets some time to push his own ship.

In response to this, the dance black hole emits hoedown Hawking radiation and Alanna pulls in Sarah for a dance, before Bastian detaches from the dancing orbital module and re-enters the bar, while Thorne continues to be the entire cast of MST3K rolled into one.

Alanna and Sarah have some flirty conversation while Thorne and Bastian continue their drinking games. After some more comments about Thorne's ass (arc words, they are), Thorne finally teases Alanna about kissing Sarah. Alanna counters by pushing the Bastian/Thorne ship, accurately summarising the entire RP group.

Eventually, Alanna manages to point out that Thorne's been drinking while on medication. Sarah rejects Alanna and leaves her about as frustrated as all the people who shipped it, while Thorne manages to drunkenly nickname Sarah as well.

She continues to make more double entendres, apparently under compulsion by the mystic god of drunken pick-up lines. After some negotiation with a frustrating medical team, Sarah finally corrects Alanna on her estimates of her humour while Alanna does the same to Sarah's sexual prowess.

Zander comes back and asks if they're all having fun – Alanna answers with either sarcasm or a necrophilia joke. Proving to the rest of /fit/ that she once and for all lifts, Alanna hefts Thorne over her shoulder like the stick he is, before confessing she was totally feeling Sarah up. Awkward.

After Alanna and Zander drive off back to the Site, Cassie and Sarah are left behind with Burke. Cassie confesses that being at a party where people die is somewhat awkward and Sarah sympathises, before Burke leaves the audience with a parting shot about Human Resources.

Chapter 1-B: Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

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